just work already !
My day was going so well. Now I just want to cry.
So as I’m sitting in astronomy class I realize a few things. I don’t know if I am ready for a relationship. Not it the sense that I am still in love with anyone else, because I love my boyfriend to death. But I hate all the insecurities coming from being in a relationship. I can’t tell if its normal to feel the way I do because I’ve always been this way. But, I can’t imagine that everyone feels this way. No one would be in a relationship if every single person felt like this.
Every small stupid comment gets burnt into my mind for days. I can’t ever get the idea of ex girlfriend or lovers from my head. I constantly wonder if they are better looking. So I Facebook creep. And guess what? They all are better looking. It gives me an awful sick feeling in the pit of y stomach. I can’t tell if its worth it. It doesn’t matter who I’m with or for how long, I do this all the time.
I love having someone to cuddle. To talk to. Or go out and do fun things. I love kissing and being romantic. Those are all things I never want to give up. But I don’t know if its worth it. And it’s not just with Ryan, I have always felt this way with every guy I date.
But I just don’t feel special anymore. I feel like every guy just treats me like another girl. I don’t get that feeling like any guy wants to be with me forever. Like I am the one and only girl for them. My friends all tell me cute things that guys do or say. And I’m just like, “oh yeah. Today my boyfriend texted another girl a lot and got anxious when I asked to use his phone”…. I’m tired of people telling me my boyfriend isn’t good enough. And again, not just this one. It’s been all of them. I don’t understand. :(
I want flowers and chocolates. I want one on one time without phones or lap tops. I want mix CDs and cute dates. I want to be told I’m beautiful but not after hearing about all the other pretty girls noticed in a day.
I can’t get them out. I’m going crazy.
Possibly medication is going to be the answer, so I’m told.
I can think of a few other things that would help make me feel less like this. Unfortunately that’s not going to happen because you can’t change people or the past.
i don’t understand how girls can be like, “single girl swag” a few days after being broken up with. are they not affected by their break up? are they to tough for emotions?
me, i’m like, “gonna go cry a lot and throw some shit around”.. makes less of an interesting facebook status i guess.
but yeah. single girl not so swag…
i am 20 years old and my boyfriend is 19… all the people i know that are pregnant or engaged/married are also within that age range. give or take a few years. i don’t get it. why is there such a desire to be a wife/mother before your even 23.
now excuse me while i go plan my imaginary wedding.
too much to think about. why sleep when you can torture your self with awful thoughts?
Well, one I am just going through an interview. But to do the interview I am setting up a facebook page for an event in my city: a huge club crawl on Halloween. I love having jobs like this. The other company hires me every once and a while to hand out samples for different companies. It’s funny because I am so shy, but these jobs are so much fun and I love it. I suddenly become less shy and very confident in myself. I LOVE IT.
i went to a frosh event, but i left. i didn’t know anyone other than ryan who is a frosh leader (thus can’t just hangout with me). a room full of people and i felt so alone. i can’t just throw myself into groups of people i don’t know. i had so much anxiety that i came home and just cried my eyes out. it’s not fair. why can’t i be social or popular or whatever. why must i over think something so simple as making friends, that’s what this week is for! i feel stupid and jealous of ryan. so far moving here has been decently shit. i’m always alone while he is having fun and being social. ughhh. i hate this. i hate myself tonight. i don’t want to be shy anymore.
He called her a skinny bitch. Obviously I’ll be intimidated and worried…but calling her skinny for some reason really hit something for me. I’m sure the sleeping with her part doesn’t help all that much :/ but skinny… Ugh.
I’d also love that image out of my head. And you know, all the pain that comes with it. My head hurts from all these emotions and such.
part of the reason i am so unhappy all the time is because i always focus on what i don’t have. nice things, money, tons of friends, a house, beautiful clothing, or whatever else i become envious of other for. however, i really should stop this and think of how lucky i am to have all the things i do have.
loving family, more clothes than i can possibly wear (even if they aren’t as fancy or expensive as i would like), a wonderful boyfriend, some really great true friends (quality over quantity, yes?), lots of adorable pets to cheer me up, a roof over my head, and so much more.
i have always wished to have more money. my mother had me at a young age, so we never had much. mostly, i wanted for us to live in a house rather than an apartment. when i go shopping, or look at clothes and things online, i become extremely envious of the people i know who could easily buy whatever they feel. their parents pay for everything, like school and their phones. they have jobs, but they have nothing to spend their money on but the things they want. i have never been able to just have lots of money to with as i please. i can’t afford all the things i would like. and i realize this is quite normal but i take it very hard. i think because there are so many other things i wish i could change as well. like my mother having a house of her own. or having so many friends that i am always busy.
but from now on, i want to only focus on the positives. i have lots of great things and wonderful people around me. i should be happy. and i will be. i think going to halifax will be very helpful for all this. i am starting 100% brand new.